But what if you feel you’ve been there and done that? That’s kinda where I am. I’ve tried a handful of different things, ranging from my goals of school, jobs, education, dating, etc. And nothing has been gained from it.
Sure you may think I’m making stuff up… and I guess you’re right. Come to think of it there are some things I have gained: heartache, loss of self confidence, hopelessness, anger and frustration. Do those count?
Why do we need to socialize? I could give a hoot-n-holla about Joe Blow and where he lives and what he does.
Me? I don’t feel I have anything I want to share with anyone. Who cares? Who honestly cares. “How are you?!” “What are you up to!?” …along with many other phrases… are just “nice” things you’re “supposed” to say to people.
What if they don’t want to be talked to? Then YOU are the mean, stuck up, jerk because YOU don’t like answering.
Why can’t I live in a world where I’m not afraid to go to my local church-house and not be afraid of whose going to sit be me and “catch up”?
Why am I so afraid to go shopping or to the post office? Because I’m afraid I’ll run into someone who recognizes me and has to tell me every step of their day since waking up?
Why am I so afraid of visiting family members? We are supposed to help and visit with them right? Why is it so bad, that I hate myself, and loathe every second of being roped into another service project or hearing their life story?
Why can’t I apply for a job and not have to worry about dealing with people? Let alone actually getting to the job interview.
And then I’m constantly complaining of being lonely, wanting (a) friend(s), wanting a relationship… but how am I supposed to find those when I HAVE to put myself out there?
I’m sick and tired of being hurt. I have NO confidence in myself anymore. Am I being stubborn or selfish? Or is there something really wrong with me? Do I have a choice or input anymore? There’s two options, both hard, neither what I want, but they are the only(?) ones available.