Being raised in a Mormon/LDS household, young men are… encouraged… to serve a full-time mission. Those unfamiliar, it’s basically dedicating two years of your life to studying/preaching/teaching church doctrine. As a kid, it wasn’t really a big deal. Singing “I Hope They Call Me On a Mission” in Primary, Firesides with returned missionaries… I guess I just figured it’d happen. Late into my senior year, it just wasn’t a big priority for me. Not saying I disowned the church or anything, it just didn’t seem like something I’d do.
Don’t want to go into too much detail, as it’s personal, but early 2013, something changed, and I decided a mission might be a good thing or what I needed to do. A couple of interviews with my bishop, things were going well! Except after one meeting, I went out to my car, got in, and just sat.
“What am I getting myself into?” It just hit me. Serving a mission was NOT a good fit for me. I hated my job. To be more specific, I hated the customer interaction. Having to spend two years talking, having to interact with random strangers was extremely intimidating. I went home, tried to read my scriptures and refocus myself… and I broke down.
Thus beginning my (what seems like) endless torment. I eventually quit my job. But “needing” to work, stressed me out. I applied for a few other jobs, but either quit immediately after being hired or sobbed uncontrollably before the interview.
I hate living with my parents; I hate the town I’m in; I hate how hopeless and lost I feel. I don’t know what to do for work. I’m lonely and have longed for a relationship for a long time. And my dating life has downright been terrible. I’ve been hurt too many times in those areas to the point where I honestly feel like I don’t know what to do or even expect. Doctors don’t help me. Medications don’t help me. I feel I’m just venting to my mom when I try to tell her my feelings.
I don’t like where I’m at. I don’t like what it feels like I’m being pushed into becoming. Things are getting worse, even with practice and repetition. I don’t know what else to right, I could go on forever, but I’m pushing my word count.